25 Years

Five days ago, Vonda Kay and I entered the twenty-sixth year of our marriage.  (Happy 1/4 of a century, Babe!)  On June 24, 1995, we stood before "God and these witnesses" as Rev. Elmo Cook issued the vows which we promised to keep "'til death parts us."  We are both still very much alive and are keeping our vows.  Mostly.

Some days I am less patient than I promised to be.  Other days, even though I pledged to be selfless, "ish" replaces "less."

Clearly, we are doing something right (lots of "somethings" really).  When I say that I am a blessed man in reference to my wife, I do so with joy and full awareness.  My wife is awesome!  Her "yes" in October of 1994 and "I do" in June of 1995 have been added to countless times with her words of "I love you," "Thank you," "I'm proud of you," "Good job," "I love it when I see you...," "You're...," and the like.

In Chapter 8 of my book The Ordinary Way, I write about the gift of marriage by drawing attention to four actions that spouses should take to remain faithful to each other.  Here I share a portion of that chapter.

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Four Adultery-Avoiding Actions:
1.    Marry For More Than Love.
The beginning of the sentence first spoken by Jesus and oft repeated in weddings states, “Therefore what God has joined together…” (Mark 10:9a). Love is great grounds for marriage, but you will start well if your foundation goes deeper than the dirt. Read again some of Bonhoeffer’s words of charge to his Renate and Eberhard.
“Marriage is more than your love for each other. It has a higher dignity and power, for it is God’s holy ordinance. … It is not your love that sustains the marriage, but from now on, the marriage that sustains your love” (qtd in Schwedes).

Do not try on marriage only to later redress as the fashions and styles change.

2.    Avoid False Expectations.
Louis Evans, Jr. comes forward with the costs of marriage. The costs of privacy, of self-centered scheduling, and of individualistic economics. After counting the costs, however, Evans writes, “But oh, what value there is in that which is precious” (243).

Too often couples, young and perhaps old as well, enter into matrimony not so holy because they bring in the baggage of false expectations. If you listen to “love songs” of yesterday and today, you hear promises and statements such as:
—“You are the air I breathe.”
—“You are the center of my life.”
—“I will swim the seas for you.”
—“You are the light of my life.”
Those may fit well on Hallmark cards, but they do not sustain marriages. You cannot give all your spouse needs, nor should you expect that from your spouse. Particularly, do not attempt to plug voids with your spouse that only God can fill.

3.    Don’t Neglect the “Have and Hold.”
The apostle Paul, who himself encouraged singlehood for believers, recognized the value of intimacy in marriage.

Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
1 Corinthians 7:1–5 (NIV)

Most newlyweds need no reminder to love their spouse physically. Nevertheless stress, commitments on the road, time unwisely spent, past hurts, and even children find a way of building a barrier between the two who are meant to live as one flesh. Guard against this barrier by “having and holding” each other. Within marriage sexuality and intimacy are not shameful; no, rather they are a gift of God.

4.    Remember Your Vows.
I want you to hear two paragraphs that I speak as a charge to each and every couple for whom I perform their wedding ceremony.

“As the two of you are married, it will be important for you to remember God’s instructions for marriage. If marriage were always easy, it would not be a commitment. You will have to be open and honest with each other. You will have to share your deepest joys and pains.

God designed marriage to last a lifetime. He has entrusted you both with this holy commitment. God has done a wonderful thing by bringing you together, and He expects great things from those He loves. The promises you make today are not temporary; they are to last and carry through all that life brings. Whenever laziness or greed or temptations try to weaken your bond, you must trust in God, trust in each other, and remember the vows you speak today.”

Please pay close attention to that last sentence. “Whenever laziness or greed or temptations try to weaken your bond, you must trust in God, trust in each other, and remember the vows you speak today.”

In our society, men die for honor and many fight for their honor through word and deed. Some of the causes are worthy and some are merely fueled by pride. If you are going to stand up for honor, please stand up for honor in your marriage. That is a worthy cause.

Dr. Calvin Miller writes:
“I am much afraid that those with other definitions of love are often forced to admit on the very porches of divorce courts that their biggest moments of love were somewhere back around their honeymoons. After that the greatness of all they called love shrinks into transactions and mechanics. Someone mows, someone does the laundry, and both go to bed wishing for five real minutes of conversation that says something is still left of their marriage vows. And the ‘dear’ becomes ‘drear.’ And the drear dwindles down to an uninteresting finish.

I know now that when you mean your promise and feel its glory, you have truly become a lover, for besides honor there is no other porch before that grand house called love” (206–07).

Avoid adultery by constructing a well-built porch. You do that by meaning your promise and feeling its glory.

Thank you for the past 25, Vonda Kay.  I look forward to many more.  Thank you to everyone else for reading my blog.  Share it with someone who comes to mind.

#ordinarylives

Works Cited:
Evans, Louis H., Jr. Mastering The New Testament. The Communicator’s Commentary Series. Ed. Lloyd J. Ogilvie, Vol. 10
     Hebrews. Dallas: Word, 1985.
Miller, Calvin. Life Is Mostly Edges. Nashville: Thomas Nelson. 2008.
Schwedes, Richard. “A Wedding Sermon by Dietrich Bonhoeffer.” Lutheran Weddings (4 Oct 2007). 05 May 2009
     <http://lutheranweddings.blogspot.com>.